Well, ladies and gents, my 34 year "dating slump" was finally broken this winter, but only for a short time. I am grateful for the experience because it taught me a lot about myself and I learned how to set boundaries with the opposite sex. What did I learn about myself, you ask? First: Sincerity is a very important trait for me when considering a beau. I am drawn to sincere hearts. Second: I can fall hard pretty quickly. I think it takes a lot for my head to turn and once it is, I get sold quickly. So, I have to guard my heart fiercely (in a healthy way, of course) and move slowly. Third: I need to let go of my fantasies and refrain from putting the Lord in a box (more on that in a few...).
There is a part of me that wants to divulge every detail because one of my strengths (and often my faults) is that I am very open and honest and often feel compelled to share all. But I will hold my tongue (or fingers). I will say that it was enjoyable for the first time to have mutual interest expressed. The dates that we went on were alot of fun. Though in many ways I found that we were compatible, unfortunately, our goals with dating were not compatible. I wanted to date with a purpose and he didn't. Great lessons learned and more to come as we navigate friendship and I start my process of moving on.
I have been reading the book Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. The book discusses the inner workings of a man. It is fascinating and very insightful. If you haven't read it, please do! (His wife also wrote the woman's version called Captivating. Highly recommended!) I got to the point where he discusses how God can reconcile and heal the wounded places of the masculine heart and this passage struck me:
"Most of us have been misinterpreting life and what God is doing for a long time. 'I think I'm just trying to get God to make my life work easier,' a client of mine confessed, but he could have been speaking for most of us. We're asking the wrong questions. Most of us are asking, 'God, why did you let this happen to me?' Or, 'God, why won't you just... (fill in the blank - help me succeed, get my kids to straighten out, fix my marriage - you know what you've been whining about). But to enter into a journey of initiation with God requires a new set of questions: What are you trying to teach me here? What issues in my heart are you trying to raise through this? What is it you want me to see? What are you asking me to let go of? In truth, God has been trying to initiate you for a long time. What is in the way is how you've mishandled your wound and the life you've constructed as a result."
The last couple of sentences are rather specific to the "masculine heart" as Eldredge describes. However, the questions posed stuck out to me. After this guy and I decided to just be friends, I was asking why I had to go through this situation and why I couldn't have just continued along with life as usual. I was also asking why him? In case you don't know me, I'm a planner by nature. Even though I may not execute all of my ideas, I think them through thoroughly, down to the smallest detail. So when it came to finally coming across a man that I would be interested in and he in turn interested in me, I had this dude pegged to a tee! He was going to be in love with God, put together, walking in purpose (or at least actively searching), and ready to marry. I even had his style picked out and his place of origin (Yeah, its that bad...). This guy blew ALL of this out of the water. He totally ruined my fantasy and I didn't mind it one bit. Most of his personality traits and good looks were on point. ;o) Now, I'm not saying that this man is someone that I will marry (obviously, he's not interested in that at all). But I am saying that I was pleasantly surprised at how drawn I was to him and how easy it was for me to be myself with him even though he didn't fit my little fantasy. I didn't stumble over words and I found myself trying to make moments to talk and be around him. Completely uncharacteristic of me! (I have nicely diagnosed myself with an acute onset of ASD when in unfamiliar social situations.) Because of that I felt I needed to explore what the heck could be going on and I did.
Next thing you know, it all comes to a halt and I'm asking questions of the Lord, trying to figure out why this even had to happen and trying to move on. Then this passage comes across my eyes and I'm struck with how to truly move forward in this process. I need to find out the lesson(s) in all of this, much like I did when I realized years ago that getting married wasn't going to happen any time soon for me. What else other than the few insights about myself can I learn? I'm not the biggest fan of going through unpleasant and unclear situations in order to learn lessons. I like to be in control and know what is ahead, but the Lord is saying otherwise. He wants me to trust Him completely. My current phrase of affirmation is "God is faithful". I know that this will all work out for my good. He is the God of purpose. He doesn't just allow anything to happen in our lives without weaving it into a beautiful tapestry for His glory.
Amen.
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