Hiccups are so random! No one can predict when they will come or prevent them, yet they are as natural as breathing. Babies get them, teens get them, adults get them. It knows no age, race, creed or sexual orientation. I don't know anyone who has not hiccupped at least once in their life. Just as random as the occurrence of hiccups are the "cures" (http://www.almanac4kids.com/tellus/tellus.php?categorynumber=82). Who thinks of this stuff? What does peanut butter, being upside down, jumping, reading poems, pressing your eyelids kind of hard, and thinking of a certain color, have to do with spasms that contract the diaphragm (http://www.webmd.com/)?
Well, there is a definite cause and some scientifically based cures when it comes to these types of hiccups (see article: http://www.webmd.com/digestive-disorders/tc/hiccups-topic-overview). When it comes to life's hiccups, things can be less cut and dry. While we can often pinpoint a choice or series of choices that will lead to our hiccups, the cure is harder to locate. However, one cool thing is that in life you can ALWAYS learn from them, become wiser, and prevent similar experiences. (No such feature with involuntary diaphragm contractions.)
So, as many of you know, sometimes its easy to be single and other times not so much. No matter how logical a thinker you may be, when your emotions get involved (at least for women; we know that men have emotions made of steel that only cause them to yell and throw things at a TV screen while watching sports), logic will often fly out of the window, seemingly never to return.
I am one of those logical thinkers, but I am finding that when heightened emotion comes into play I lose my sensibility. Fortunately, a healthy dose of fear sets in to keep me from reacting on irrational thoughts. I am that much of a thinker that I am scared to make a fool of myself, even amidst the craziest of emotions. Most times. That, however, does not stop me from driving myself and my friends loco thinking about different scenarios and such...
Let me back up. In my life, I have been the definition of single for 32 years. No, I'm not exaggerating and no, it wasn't my choice for the most part. My interaction with guys has been "buddy, buddy friends". My 2 month stint in high school with a classmate and our "walk to class together dates" does not count, in my opinion. So, when I have come across guys that are intriguing, cute, and easy to be myself with (there have only been 4), I make a move. Then when they don't move in the same direction, I regret making that move. Now, I don't want you to think that I am out trying to be the "pursuer". Not my style. Rather, I try to get conversations going or find opportunities to hang out casually. And each time I have been rejected...So sad! lol!
Well, let me explain my particular hiccup (one of many). During my most recent stint of trying to get to know a lad, I started to flip out! I wasn't getting the response that I wanted in the time that I thought was sensible, so I immediately assumed that the boy thought I was atrocious, old, and crusty and there was no way that he would EVER be interested in me. I was conversing with my 3 amigos over and over trying to sort through my feelings. Of course, they kept a calm head. I wanted to call mutual friends and drill them about why I hadn't heard anything from him.
As I began to talk to the Lord about my thoughts and feelings, He reminded me of this rejection issue from my past. I had dealt with some rather rude behavior from people when I was younger that stuck with me, but the Lord delivered me from my irrational thoughts years ago....or so I thought. He showed me that when it came to feeling rejected by friends, that was a battle won. As far as the silly little game called love, not so much. This was totally new territory in that: 1) Love was not an area in which I was well versed; and 2) I never drew a connection to my reaction to guys rejecting me and my past.
Line. Drawn. Praise. Jesus.
No, I didn't go and stalk the dude. I didn't ask our mutual friends to do any detective work or try to bring him up subtly in conversation. I didn't go to his Facebook page to see what he was posting (mainly because there wasn't one...ha!). I didn't send him flowers with a note saying "Thinking of You". I allowed myself to feel the unease and the anxiety of not knowing what he thought of me. I was pleasantly surprised with an exchange of letters, but it fizzled. However, my thoughts toward him aren't bitter. So you ask, "Why would I be bitter when I haven't even started a relationship with this person?" Because fear of rejection breeds erratic emotions which breed irrational thinking (my “hiccup”) which can breed stupid behavior (a cold shoulder towards someone of who even a semblance of a relationship didn't emerge). In the past I would think, "He knows he wants me", convincing myself that the dude really did like me, but he was intimidated. Or I would just be mad and give the guy a cold shoulder for being stupid enough to miss out on swooping up this wonderful thang!
The truth is, everyone has the right to choose, whether I find their choice favorable or not. I am learning to accept that slowly but surely. It has been a rough road. I can't say that I have a set idea on what the "cure" could be. However, the word "trust" has been popping up a lot in my life lately. Reading through a devotional book about Abiding in Christ has been challenging me to look at my level of trust in the Lord. We'll see how that connects to my rejection issues and irrational thinking. Also, one of my besties has been challenging me to consider what lies I have accepted over time from my episodes of rejection. I'm still pondering this one, but I think I have a fear that no one will notice the real me. I don't have a self-esteem problem where I think that I am worthless or unworthy of love or unattractive or whatever else. God has settled those things in my heart with the unconditional love He has given me all my life. I think that I really am afraid that no one else will see the great things God has created in me. I mean, people compliment me and all, but most times, I don't think I really believe they genuinely feel that way toward me. And to make it even worse, I think the fact that I have not had any romantic interactions with guys reinforces the lie. I think that guys can't see me or, if they do, the real me isn't worth pursuing. (Woo...I think that sentence is a surprising revelation. Let me take a moment....)
So as you can see, life's hiccups can be messy and finding the solutions isn’t as simple as going to webmd.com, doing a search and reading about cures. It is about soul searching, prayer, being honest with yourself, feeling tons of hurt (even hurt you've buried from the past), recognizing the lies the enemy is trying to get you to believe, and learning how to let God heal you and mold you for His ultimate purposes. It is all a process that we often have to go through before moving into marriage. But, as my bestie is teaching me, marriage doesn't come at the point that all your issues are solved. Marriage is just another opportunity for the Lord to mold you and draw you close to Him. This time, you just have a live-in partner that will stretch you even more, support you, love you, and pray for you through your refining process.
That is all for this post. I pray that my life will allow me to write more often. I have always found writing to be therapeutic for me and I hope that my sharing will help others as they journey through life as a single.
Much love to you all!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Introducing....
So I decided to start a blog. Had one before, but didn't stick to it very well. I am hoping this will be different.
A little about me: 31 (soon to be 32), single black female, living for Jesus, fun-loving, kid at heart, filled with random knowledge (both useful and pretty useless). I started this blog mainly because I have seen women I know and love go through such hard times with the opposite sex. This blog is not to dog them or air dirty laundry (if anyone's funky socks will be aired, it will most likely be mine). I want to be an encouragement. I'm not perfect, but for some reason God has blessed me with a peace about singleness that I want others to share. (I will also throw in randomness from my mind to make this blog a mixture of entertainment and seriousness)
Growing up, I never was the girl that guys dated. I was the buddy and I LOVED it! But once I got to college, I made up my mind that I wanted that to be different. I had it set in my mind that I was going to date around and enjoy myself. Well, God had other plans because I was still the "buddy" to guys. I was really frustrated and having convos with my sister from another mother in our dorm rooms (when we should have been doing work, instead of eating and watching Clueless). Soon after, my actual sister called me and told me about a book called "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" (WAIT! for those of you who don't subscribe to this book, please don't turn away!). It rocked my world! I never thought about boundaries outside of sexual activities nor had I thought about the screwed up way most people date. Now, I am not opposed to dating (with proper intentions and boundaries and TONS of Jesus and counsel from Jesus people), but at the time, I went the extreme and decided it wasn't for me.
God then took me on an AMAZING journey of self-discovery. For about a year or so, I told Him that I didn't want to have any romantic interests or experiences. I totally dedicated my time and affection to the Lord. It was beautiful! He got me to a point where marriage was Isaac and I was Abraham (Check out Genesis 22: God tells Abraham to sacrifice the son He promised him, Isaac.). I became at peace with not ever being married, if that was God's will! How insane was that? At the time, I wanted a family, but I was willing to give that up if I had to - sacrifice my dream of marrying Kobe Bryant (or Maxwell) for a life dedicated to Christ (Like Abraham was willing to sacrifice Isaac as God instructed). It was settled in my heart - a sense of contentment.
The story doesn't end there. After that period of not being interested in anyone and having no desire to be, my eyes were opened to a young chocolate thing with a very sincere relationship with God. I was caught off guard and enamored. After crushing on him for a bit (i.e. 2 years), I got myself together. I began to ask the Lord why He would allow me to like this dude after the pact we made about staying away from boyfriends. I believe the Lord began to reveal to me that He opened up my heart so that I could be ready for marriage (as I type this, I am thinking......now, what if I leave this earth without ever marrying....ha!). As you could guess, I didn't marry the chocolate honey. However, I was getting to a place where that desire to be married was resurfacing in a Godly way. I wasn't feeling desparate or pressured. I just embraced that desire and prayed "Not my will, but thy will be done".
So, here I am about 6 or 7 years later, with several hiccups on the journey (we'll talk more detail in later posts). I can't explain the process. I don't know how He was able to bring me to a place contentment! And since then, my dreams of having a family have grown larger. I want to have a house full of adopted and foster children so they can experience a loving Christ-centered home with 2 devoted parents. Can't say that I have the perfect solution that will work for everybody. Its truly a journey that you have to be willing to walk with Christ leading the way.
I pray that as we go along, we will be able to laugh, encourage, share insight, and wait together. I know that I have not dealt with similar circumstances as others that could possibly make it harder to be content as a single person. But I hope that something written will help you to wait a little longer, trust a little more, draw a little closer, and, man, enjoy life! Singleness is not just some holding pattern where we are waiting for the control tower to call us in for the "marriage landing" so life can begin. It is life! A great life! Live it to the fullest. Let's take advantage of this time so that God can use us to change someone else's world. Let's remove the expectations of the world and our unrealistic timetables. Let's tell the enemy that we know that our God is faithful and that his tricks and lies won't cause us to let go of His promise. Know that He will never ask us to wait or give something up without giving us something greater!
Smooches, Beauties!!!
A little about me: 31 (soon to be 32), single black female, living for Jesus, fun-loving, kid at heart, filled with random knowledge (both useful and pretty useless). I started this blog mainly because I have seen women I know and love go through such hard times with the opposite sex. This blog is not to dog them or air dirty laundry (if anyone's funky socks will be aired, it will most likely be mine). I want to be an encouragement. I'm not perfect, but for some reason God has blessed me with a peace about singleness that I want others to share. (I will also throw in randomness from my mind to make this blog a mixture of entertainment and seriousness)
Growing up, I never was the girl that guys dated. I was the buddy and I LOVED it! But once I got to college, I made up my mind that I wanted that to be different. I had it set in my mind that I was going to date around and enjoy myself. Well, God had other plans because I was still the "buddy" to guys. I was really frustrated and having convos with my sister from another mother in our dorm rooms (when we should have been doing work, instead of eating and watching Clueless). Soon after, my actual sister called me and told me about a book called "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" (WAIT! for those of you who don't subscribe to this book, please don't turn away!). It rocked my world! I never thought about boundaries outside of sexual activities nor had I thought about the screwed up way most people date. Now, I am not opposed to dating (with proper intentions and boundaries and TONS of Jesus and counsel from Jesus people), but at the time, I went the extreme and decided it wasn't for me.
God then took me on an AMAZING journey of self-discovery. For about a year or so, I told Him that I didn't want to have any romantic interests or experiences. I totally dedicated my time and affection to the Lord. It was beautiful! He got me to a point where marriage was Isaac and I was Abraham (Check out Genesis 22: God tells Abraham to sacrifice the son He promised him, Isaac.). I became at peace with not ever being married, if that was God's will! How insane was that? At the time, I wanted a family, but I was willing to give that up if I had to - sacrifice my dream of marrying Kobe Bryant (or Maxwell) for a life dedicated to Christ (Like Abraham was willing to sacrifice Isaac as God instructed). It was settled in my heart - a sense of contentment.
The story doesn't end there. After that period of not being interested in anyone and having no desire to be, my eyes were opened to a young chocolate thing with a very sincere relationship with God. I was caught off guard and enamored. After crushing on him for a bit (i.e. 2 years), I got myself together. I began to ask the Lord why He would allow me to like this dude after the pact we made about staying away from boyfriends. I believe the Lord began to reveal to me that He opened up my heart so that I could be ready for marriage (as I type this, I am thinking......now, what if I leave this earth without ever marrying....ha!). As you could guess, I didn't marry the chocolate honey. However, I was getting to a place where that desire to be married was resurfacing in a Godly way. I wasn't feeling desparate or pressured. I just embraced that desire and prayed "Not my will, but thy will be done".
So, here I am about 6 or 7 years later, with several hiccups on the journey (we'll talk more detail in later posts). I can't explain the process. I don't know how He was able to bring me to a place contentment! And since then, my dreams of having a family have grown larger. I want to have a house full of adopted and foster children so they can experience a loving Christ-centered home with 2 devoted parents. Can't say that I have the perfect solution that will work for everybody. Its truly a journey that you have to be willing to walk with Christ leading the way.
I pray that as we go along, we will be able to laugh, encourage, share insight, and wait together. I know that I have not dealt with similar circumstances as others that could possibly make it harder to be content as a single person. But I hope that something written will help you to wait a little longer, trust a little more, draw a little closer, and, man, enjoy life! Singleness is not just some holding pattern where we are waiting for the control tower to call us in for the "marriage landing" so life can begin. It is life! A great life! Live it to the fullest. Let's take advantage of this time so that God can use us to change someone else's world. Let's remove the expectations of the world and our unrealistic timetables. Let's tell the enemy that we know that our God is faithful and that his tricks and lies won't cause us to let go of His promise. Know that He will never ask us to wait or give something up without giving us something greater!
Smooches, Beauties!!!
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